Constance Persephone

Trigger Warning: There’s some adult language and honestly this might make you sad. I don’t care if you never read anything I write ever again if it means that you put you and your mental health first. I care about that more than views.

I know I should probably seek professional advice but I’m putting it off. I think it’s a sign of growth that I am aware that I’m avoiding it. In the past and even a month ago I would have found every excuse under the Sun to not find one and blame it on not having time, not finding a good fit, or simply forgetting. After the last one I’m hesitant. You can thank Nancy for that. I know therapy dredges up all the shit you keep buried but that was brutal. It was rough and not in the fun way. This wasn’t “no rubber” raw but “no lube” raw. Not fun.

I definitely see where I need a therapist but sometimes I think a life coach may be a better fit. I don’t really know what a life coach does and I don’t want to look it up. I have an idea of what they do in my head and if that isn’t what they actually do I may cry. I don’t want to cry anymore, it’s been about a week and a half of no crying and I want to keep it that way.

I have an idea of what I may need, yet I feel like a trained professional would help me see things a little differently, or call me out on my bullshit. I’m aware of that fact that they may very well tell me I’m the reason I’m so fucking sad and anxious, and honestly I don’t think I’m ready to hear it. I tell the patients all the time that change is scary and I know what they’re going through isn’t easy and I have faith in them to be stronger than whatever is holding them back.

But when it comes to me? I’m afraid. I’m scared. I’m terrified. I don’t want to break down my walls because I know I’m gonna fall, it’s inevitable. I need to break the old me so that the new me can take her place. But what if when I fall I can’t get back up? I don’t know which one of you it is but I can hear you “You never now if you never try”.

Respectfully, that is the last thing I need to hear. I know that you’re coming from a supportive place (at least I hope you are), but I don’t want anyone telling me things I already know. I don’t want anyone giving me advice or words of “encouragement” cause that’s not what it sounds like. Do you want to know what I hear?

“You never know if you never try” sounds like “You’re like this because you don’t apply yourself”. When people tell me “You can’t let fear rule your life” I hear them say “You’re a pussy”. Even if it’s a compliment like “You’re so strong, I know yo can do this” all I hear is “You had so much potential. What happened? I thought you were gonna do great things. I guess we were wrong”.

If I was a therapist and a patient told me this I would want to acknowledge that even in their deepest subconscious mind they are worried about being a disappointment to others. Fuck being a disappointment to themselves, that wasn’t even something they considered. All they cared about was how they were perceived by others.

When your whole life has been making sure you were the perfect everything, of course it’s going to be your default. I don’t know how else to be, It’s also why I love being alone so much, nobody to perform for. It’s also why I love to write, or at least on of the main reasons. When I write I feel like I can actually talk because nobody has any preconceived notions about what I’m going to say. Nobody is going to tell me I’m talking differently because they don’t know me. I don’t stutter when I write, I don’t mumble. I can tell you the truth and people will read it with limited biases or opinions about me.

Instead of trying to exist in the box they built and shoved me in, I get to source my own materials and build a temple worthy of who I am (whoever that is). And the day that Constance Persephone becomes predictable, I want it to be because you know I am going to be caring, creative, funny, passionate, and most importantly honest. That’s something I have never been. I lie to myself to pretend I’m okay and things didn’t happen or fuck me up. I lie to others so they think they didn’t hurt me. I’m good at lying, I’ve had years of practice. I hate it but at least I wasn’t the kind of liar who did it to get other people in trouble.

I want to be me. I don’t know who that is, but that’s a journey I am going to try my hardest to enjoy. And when I stumble and lose my way I don’t want anyone to tell me how strong I am, and to keep going and never give up. I want someone to hold my hand and pull me into a hug and not pull away until I do. I don’t need you to tell me what I already know I just need you to be there. Be my safe harbor when the storm is too strong. Keep me grounded when I feel like I’m being swept away. That’s what I need. And I’ll find it. I have to.