Constance Persephone

I kept writing things to share with you all but I constantly changed my mind and told myself you would all be better off if I kept my mouth shut. I can’t tell you how many times I wanted to take down this site. You face little to no resistance staying in this negative mindset that pushes your head further and further underwater until drowning feels like breathing.

When you come for air and realize you aren’t choking anymore and words are no longer trapped, a few things can happen.

A. You quickly become addicted to the reprieve and try with every ounce of energy to stay above the surface. You yearn to be heard after being silenced for so long. You swim through the water with ease, enjoying the waves.

B. You panic without the crushing weight of the water, the feeling of not being in pain is foreign and somehow feels worse. So you expel all the air in your lungs and slide back down to the ocean floor. The comforting pain surrounds you once more as it grips you by the throat.

C. Your small taste of air felt odd, you couldn’t quite place your finger on how you felt. You sink back down and compare the feelings of being underwater and breaching the surface. You decide you want to break the surface again but you don’t know how, or maybe you’re stuck. Constantly straining to swim upwards only to fall back under. It’s exhausting.

Before I tell you which I’ve been struggling with, let me preface this by saying that whichever scenario you find yourself relating to the most, none of them are wrong, none of them are right. There is no good and there is no bad, they simply are. And whichever you find yourself in, don’t give yourself a hard time about it. It’s pointless to sit there and cry and feel sorry for yourself because you aren’t helping yourself and when others offer you help you can’t accept it because you can’t see through your tears.

Take in your surroundings and what position you play in your suffering. I’ll pick apart myself for all of these examples so no need to feel called out but if something does resonate with you perhaps I can offer guidance. Also, for this extended metaphor, we are on the beach. Your beach may look different from mine and your beach may even be a river. If you live somewhere with no beaches or rivers or you’ve never been to one, imagine a pool instead.

Scenario C is me. For the longest time, I was angry, I mean I still am but the anger is directed toward the proper places and people. I used to think I was being oppressed and everyone was holding me back but after years of drowning, I realized I had stuck my feet in the sand to keep myself there. I watched people swim by and walk along the shore. I envied them and wished it was me all while digging myself deeper and deeper in the sand.

Very recently, like two weeks ago, I hit rock bottom. In all honesty, it was nothing like the movies and I am so thankful for that. Now for you, it might be and I am truly sorry for that. Now my physical rock bottom moment was about two months ago, and that was the uncontrollable crying and screaming and the emotional pain that’s been repressed for years bubbling to the surface. Hours upon hours of wishing the pain would stop. Headaches so many headaches from mistreating myself in so many aspects. That shit sucked.

Mentally, I had enough and one day it just clicked. I was numb from crying on my lunch breaks and using those tears to soothe myself to sleep. I was eating next to nothing. The screaming in my mind wouldn’t stop and even when her voice was cracked and strained she wouldn’t give up, I guess all parts of me are resilient. I decided that I didn’t want to go on like this. If I wanted to raise a healthy family in the future, I needed to heal myself first. If you don’t want kids, pretend you want to raise healthy fur babies who don’t have to see you struggling. And if you don’t want pets, imagine how your plants would feel if they found out you watered them and made sure they had enough sunlight but didn’t do so for yourselves.

I don’t know what the catalyst was, perhaps the many failed attempts of trying to get better and looking up therapy practices that lived in my subconscious finally started to work. I started to open up about my punishing behaviors, how I would eat barely enough, and when I did I talked about what was going through my mind. How I talked to myself, how I saw myself, how I felt, and what I needed. I was honest with myself about who I was and how far away we were from who we wanted to be. I didn’t shame myself this time, I understood that what I was doing was coming from a place of hurt and I was so used to these feelings I was scared to live without them.

Side note: Yes we all hurt, and we may not act like ourselves but this is not an excuse to be a dick. There are so many people who face unspeakable horrors and still treat other people decently. Take responsibility for your actions. The people are watching.

I started taking steps toward my goals and feeling the weight fall off my shoulders was nearly orgasmic. I feel like I can breathe for the first time ever. I’m not saying I’m completely healed, that is going to take time and patience. I took myself off of this imagined deadline that kept getting pushed back. There’s no rush. I stopped thinking that I would only have my happiness If I achieved every goal and everything was perfect. But I started to believe that I am worthy of my happiness now, and it’s the truth.

With love,

Constance Persephone