Constance Persephone

It’s always astonishing (even though that doesn’t feel like the right word), how changing even one word can change the impact of a statement. Maybe you add a word or swap for one that sounds more professional. You change what you actually want to say and what you mean for the sake of saying things that people will actually want to hear.

It’s not that they won’t understand, because people usually do, but they won’t want to understand. As someone who lives in partial ignorance, I can tell you it’s lovely. I can also tell you it gives the illusion of safety, but perhaps we will expand on that another day.

Perhaps astonishing is the right word. The fact that you can take words, put them together, and make someone feel something and then change a few things around and make them feel something completely different. Astonishing. It’s the gift of a writer and it can be applied to so many different mediums. Songwriting, screenplays, scripts, comics, books, poetry, and even music.

I love Sleep Token, a fact you are going to be well aware of in due time. II, the incredibly talented drummer for Sleep Token, interviewed with Drumeo which I do recommend watching. Even if you aren’t a drummer, like myself, it is still worth a watch because of how captivating II is. The way they talk about drumming as a language that speaks to him has been rolling around in my brain since I first watched it. He speaks about his vocabulary and the phrases he uses and how he can say them in different ways. I had never considered how other creative types connected with their craft, and it’s made me reevaluate how I can connect with mine.

Sleep Token as a whole is an out-of-body experience and I definitely plan on going in-depth about how much they mean to me. In all honesty, it has been a long time since a band has made such an impact on me. This interview showcases II and his talent and being able to see him play so closely gives you this opportunity to hear parts of the songs you may not have noticed the first, second, or tenth time around. It felt like I was listening to them for the very first time.

Back to what even prompted me to write this post, anxiety about a couple of emails that I wrote. Emails I had spent my whole weekend stressing over, on top of a sinus infection, and PMS, only for the reply to basically say “Got it, thanks!”. I was relieved and mildly annoyed but mostly at myself.

Writing the emails took way longer than it realistically should’ve. I was worried about saying the wrong thing and getting someone in trouble when I just needed to recite the facts. Looking back on it now, I’m frustrated that I let the situation get to me as much as it did. However, I was worried about getting my coworker in trouble for not doing his job and getting a someone else in trouble for breaking the rules. Yes, you read that right, I was worried about telling the truth and letting the consequences of people’s actions find them. People pleasing to the core.

Then there is another part of me who wanted to write the emails in a way that got every single person in trouble and take the ship down with me. That’s honestly something people need to be concerned about when it comes to me. I avoid conflict not only because it makes me uncomfortable, but because I don’t know when to stop. If exposing myself in order to take you down with me is the price, know that I’m paying in full. Low-key might put that in a book. It’s not plagiarism if I wrote it right?

Anyways, I just feel stupid now that the anxiety has faded away a little bit and all I’m left with is a sinus infection and cramps. I hate being sick, I truly do. It makes me tired and fussy and I do not have the luxury of just crying about things yet. I am a certified crybaby, don’t get me wrong, if there is one thing I’m gonna do, it’s cry about it. What I mean is that I’m still in my “girl boss” era and have to work a “real” job and push through my problems big and small and get things done because nobody else is gonna do them for me, all while crying on my lunch breaks.

I want a nice house that I can call my own, I want to turn it into a home. I want a kitchen I can bake in, and a backyard to grow flowers and herbs. I want a bedroom that lets me get the best sleep of my life. I want to hear people coming home and I smile knowing dinner is gonna be done soon and we get to sit down together and talk about our day. I want to invite friends over for a movie night.

I want to wake up, make some coffee sit down in my office, and write till my fingers fall off. I want to plan my next books and get started on those. I want to collaborate with other authors and feel like a part of a community. I still want to be the responsible, hard-working person I am, but doing things that make me genuinely happy. But saying that feels wrong because I love what I do, I love the difference that I make even if it’s microscopic. I just don’t feel fulfilled. If I am going to have to work the rest of my life I at least want to do something I love unconditionally.

I want a lot of things but I can’t keep sitting on my ass waiting for them to find me because that’s never gonna happen. So in the meantime, I’m gonna continue to go to my job, work on my book and blog when I need to vent, give myself grace, and try to remember that some things are outside of my control, and if I am doing what I can, then it’s still a victory.